When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Please don't give away my fajitas
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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