after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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