But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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