I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
