Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
