u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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