I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
