I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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