I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
