i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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