does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
