Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
