every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
