It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
