Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
