Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
