Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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