Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
