Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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