I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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