I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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