The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
