I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
