You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
