i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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