Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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