I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
