Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
