Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
