So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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