someone threw a dead crab at me
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
