Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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