I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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