I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize