I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
