if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
