They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
