i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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