official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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