I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
