Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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