Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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