My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
