I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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