my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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