can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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