Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
