Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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