I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
