the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
