i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
