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A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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