My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
