i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
