She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
