Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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