Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
