so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
