ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
