if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
