I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
