We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I have tasted many bathrooms
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
