walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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